Therapy
by Cinerari
Summary: CWZ-verse; The fist step to fixing your problem is admitting you have one. But Zero doesn't have a problem.


**I wrote this last night because I couldn't sleep, so it's a little weird. But I hope you like it alright. It's set while Zero's manning that little junky patrol ship.**

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><p>Before every fight, I ran the same meaningless lines through my head. <em>Everything is fine. It's a simple mission. No one has to get hurt. You've been through the worst. This is just like going back to basics.<em>

It was the closest I had to therapy other than the alcohol. I didn't have time for a therapist, or the money, or one to talk to, so I liked to imagine the thoughts helped. Each mission went fine as long as the target surrendered immediately. Well, that only happened once, but still, the mission went fine.

Each one started with the screeching howl of the alarm. My hands shook in fear or anger at the sound, and I craved a drink more than ever. If a bottle was already open next to me, I took a swig before heading out. My luck wasn't always that good.

This time I was in bed, staring at the stars outside my window. I wasn't sure I ever slept anymore, just passed out sometimes. Raising my hand, I found one trembling. Then the alarm registered, and I growled through a sigh.

The bed seemed to spit me out as I rolled my way toward the floor. My hands caught me just before my face could. Grabbing the pieces of my uniform, I shrugged them on as I headed for the bridge. My bare feet froze against the metal floor, but there was no time for boots. Then again, most of the boys on the bridge we wearing theirs when I arrived. Unabara's skeptical eyes flicked over my half-hearted attempt to throw myself together. He'd lecture me later. "Captain on the bridge," he said for now.

"What are we dealing with?" I asked as I took my place. There was hardly any distinction between one mission and the next. It all felt so routine. I just went through the steps on instinct.

"Some wannabe pirates, looks like," Unabara said. "Reports say they just robbed a little cargo ship, but they're a small group. Believe it or not, our ship's better." He threw a smile my way, but that wasn't part of the routine. I stared wide-eyed at him, unsure what he wanted from me for a moment. I nodded to have him continue, and he turned away with a frown. "Headquarters says to take them in. Should be an easy job."

Right, like going back to basics. No one had to get hurt. I scanned my console as the boys rallied radar and findings my way. Everything was fine. Nothing to worry about.

"Once we're in range, send the usual signal their way," I said. "If they're smart, they'll go ahead and surrender." The crew answered in their usual broken chorus of "yes sir."

As I waited for what would hopefully end in moments, I stretched my legs out below the console and wriggled my toes. It wasn't as if I left this spot, so why were boots a necessity?

"Captain, the enemy is engaging."

I looked up from my feet, unsure who'd spoken. The overhead display showed the enemy cruiser. I blinked, and it showed the cruiser firing at us. The ship rumbled with the shock of a hit, though a small one. "Return fire," I felt myself say. "Wipe them out."

After that, I felt distant, as though I'd slipped from myself. I saw red, felt my hands curl into fists, but at the same time I didn't feel like myself. Explosions sparkled in my eyes like a fireworks show, their numbers increasing until a felt blind from the glaring light. The white plumes never left, always hanging in my vision in the flickering of a light or the blinking bulbs on my control panel. Now they consumed my sight until I was back on my Karyū, reaching out a hand to grab hold of that burning planet.

"Captain, let's just take them in alive," I heard Unabara say, half through a sigh.

Then I was back in control, blinking at the room. It felt like everything morphed around me. I hadn't been here before, but I had. The enemy ship was bleeding smoke and fire, it's weapons scrapped or melted.

I nodded, rubbing a hand over my face. "Give them another chance to surrender."

Ishikura turned on me as though I'd offended him. "But you said-!"

"Send the signal!" I snapped. "We don't need any casualties."

The boys threw glances back and forth. I couldn't remember what I'd said, but it was out of anger. It didn't matter anymore. Once I heard the pirates were surrendering, I stood. "Take them in. We'll process them in the morning. Let's get some sleep for now."

"Would have been faster to kill them," Ishikura grumbled.

Rai laughed, and smacked a hand against the younger officer's shoulder. "Come on, kid. We're lucky we don't have to process them tonight."

I left then, walked away and escaped to my room. The bourbon bottle fit against my hand just as well as my glove. Sinking back against the wall, I downed every mouthful of fire until I found myself sitting on the floor. The pause was just long enough to let the rush of warmth burn from my gut out toward my limbs. As I brought the bottle back to my lips, my hands didn't shake. Hard liquor was the best life had to offer.

Before I could drink again, a knock at the door made my hand fall back to my side. "Who is it?"

"Just me, Captain." Right on time, Unabara arrived to check up on me. I could have moved, but he'd found me in worse spots than sitting against the wall. Without waiting for a response, he opened the door to find me tilting the bottle back for another drink. I offered him a wave with my pinky finger.

He didn't look surprised or disappointed, but he shook his head. "You should sleep instead of drink. You look like you need a good night's rest."

"When I remember how to get one, I'll let you know," I said from behind the mouth of the bottle.

"Maybe we should get you some sleep aids." He seemed to expect the glare I gave the suggestion. I hated drugs. "I just want what's best for you, Captain."

"And I just want pirates to stop existing, but life's a bitch," I spat, tossing the empty bottle away.

"Zero." He stressed my name to force my attention to him instead of a fresh bottle. "You looked so shell shocked up there tonight, I thought you were going to lose it. The boys have faith in you, and they'll believe what you tell them. If you keep spacing out like that, things are going to get out of hand soon."

"I'm working on it." Rolling to my hands and knees, I headed for the liquor cabinet, only for one of my boots to connect solidly with my head.

"And ease up on the drinking," Unabara snapped, my other boot waving threateningly in his hand. "You've had enough for tonight. If this keeps up, I will drag you to an AA meeting."

I plopped back on my haunches and glared at the floor. "No AA meetings on a ship," I muttered.

"Look, Zero, you're going to have to open up to someone. I don't care if it's me or Analyzer. I don't care if we have to get you a pet so you can talk to that."

"I don't need to talk to anyone!" I sounded so much like a stubborn child I could tell even through the haze of alcohol.

"Really?" Unabara's eyes locked on me, though I couldn't keep mine on him. "You think you're doing fine like this?"

I fell over to lie on the floor. I wasn't sure why. It was just comfortable there with the metal cooling my cheek. "I don't know," I said. "I'm not dead yet."

A frown tinted Unabara's voice. "Is that good or bad?"

"I don't know." Little drops of water fell to the floor next to my face. They traced from the bags hanging under my eyes, over the bridge of my nose to the floor. I couldn't say why I was crying, but I couldn't say much of anything anymore. I was buzzed, curled up on my floor, crying. "But everything's okay," I murmured.

"Why's that?" Unabara asked.

I danced my fingers along the tile to see their foggy reflections mirror each move. "Because it has to be. Everything is okay. Otherwise…" I closed my eyes, "Otherwise, the world would be burning again. I can't let that happen, so everything is okay."

As long as I could tell myself that, my own little therapy, it had to be true. It had to be at least partially true.


End file.
